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Identify and Reclaim Your Missing Self

It's all very well people saying you need to take back parts of yourself that you lost growing up.  You might ask how you can do that if you don't even know what they are?  You can find out here.

In my previous article I discussed the various components that make up the Missing Self. In our drive to wholeness we will gravitate to partners who did not have to repress the same functions that we were asked to repress. They have positive traits that we have buried as well as the negative traits that we disown. Later in the relationship we will tend to criticize those “alive” parts in our partner that are dead in ourselves.

What first attracted us and at first liberated us, will eventually stir up what was forbidden causing us great discomfort. If we do not reclaim our missing self, good and bad and put ourselves back together there will always be great unhappiness and conflict in our relationships.

It is so easy to walk away when things get tough and find someone else. Until things get tough again….. But facing our missing parts is hard! Here are a few steps that you can take to identify and reclaim your missing self.

The Hidden Self     

Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Allow about an hour to complete this exercise. You will need pen and paper.

Take a few long deep breaths. Close your eyes and take a few moments to connect with your body and the sensations of the body breathing. Allow your mind and body to become one, feeling the difference between each “in” breath and each “out” breath. Feeling your chest rise and fall.

Now think of traits of yourself that you keep hidden from others. Things that would embarrass you if others knew about it.
Perhaps you have a cache of pornographic material.
You cry when watching movies.
Have a crush on someone at work.
Take your time and think about those things.

Ask yourself “what would people think if they knew”?
Now ask the same question with regard to your partner. 
It’s looking at it from your partner’s perspective.  What would they think or do if they knew for example that “I steal from supermarkets”, or “I am jealous of……”  As the thoughts and images come to mind, write them down quickly in whatever order they appear.

As thoughts and ideas come write them down. Write down whatever comes to mind.
This is your Hidden Self.

Now get a separate, blank piece of paper and make four headings. Thinking, Acting, Feeling and Sensing.
Categorize each trait that you have identified by putting it under one of these categories.

Some of these traits are aspects of your authentic core self that need to be integrated in your self-concept and interpersonal relationships.
Perhaps showing your gentle tender side by crying at the movies, writing love poems or seeking an environment where these things are acceptable.
Other traits might be compensatory for aspects that you felt you had to repress. Such as looking at pornography due to sexual deprivation or loneliness.

The Lost Self

This information is not in your conscious mind and will possibly take several attempts to access.

Think about your childhood and remember all the “don’t”, “shouldn’t” “stop” messages that you received. About your body, thoughts, feelings, behaviours and self. Eg “stop running, “don’t argue”, “don’t get dirty”.
Also think about the unspoken messages you received. “You are a bother”, “you are not good enough”, “you don’t have a voice”, “you are not important”.

Take your time to write down all the messages you heard from your parents, teachers, peer groups, friends and other important adults.

Think about messages you received from current or past intimate partners. These could be “stop” or “don’t” messages (“stop talking to your male friends at parties”, “don’t question my decisions”) but may also be “want” messages. “I wish you would be more affectionate”, “I wish you would think before you speak”. “You never kiss me goodbye when you go out”.
Write everything down that comes to your consciousness – take your time.

All these messages are clues to Lost Self functions. They are indirect requests to express what you have repressed and contain information about what is missing in you.

Take another piece of blank paper and head it Lost Self and include the same four categories. Thinking, acting, sensing and feeling putting all the messages under the appropriate category.
Now you have an impression of your Lost Self.

The categories that have the most messages identify parts of your authentic self that are missing.
You will need to develop the repressed functions to become whole so as not to need your partner to “carry” your missing pieces. Our partners prod us to develop those missing pieces by criticizing us for not having them.

In my next article I will describe steps to uncover your Denied Self which involves seeking involvement from people that you know.

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